By Avik Chattopadhyay

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please settle down. I am so glad all of you could make it here at the resplendent new Central Vista on this cold December morning for a year-end round up. Myself, Brand India. I am your host. I end the year on a high…G20 and what not. As a conscientious brand committed to a greater purpose, I shall be the ‘Vishwaguru’ to the world in the years to come… economic growth, statues, temples, bullet trains, bridges, tunnels and whatever grand and gargantuan you can think of… name it and I shall have one to flaunt!

 

Excuse me, what about unemployment, inflation, happiness index, hunger index, press freedom, women safety…

 

And who is this utterly insolent brand in our midst?

 

Well, I am Brand NDTV and I thought I might as well bring this up right at the…

 

Always negative, always negative. Out to make ‘tukde tukde’ of the larger national narrative. No wonder you need support now. C’mon, be a sport…

 

Talking of sport, I am Brand Indian Cricket. Nobody is bigger than me on this side of the Milky Way. And see the reforms I have brought about within myself. The women get paid the same as the men… finally. We have a new team at the helm. We have no holy cows in the playing teams who are waiting for their individual landmarks. And IPL… see how well the IPL went this year. The World Cup was a bit of a dampener, but then this sport… nobody can win every time, is it not?

 

Listen Brand Cricket, if is not for someone like me, Brand Byju’s, you guys would keep a clean sheet… I mean, shirt. And I am doing all this at the cost of all the data I collect and use of the millions of parents and kids who are basically looking for the easy way out. Thank heavens for states like West Bengal who are demolishing the educational system to the ground that helps our cause and…

 

How dare you, you ungrateful brand? How dare you denigrate Brand Bengal? Can you not see the decorations at Durga Puja and Christmas? Are you blind? Look at how social media went agog about the Park Street Christmas Festival! The entire city of Kolkata is decked up for “Borodin”. We even cleared out the job aspirants who have been on hunger strike for more than 500 days now from the sidewalks. The film festival is happening here…

 

Talking of films, can you ever ignore me, Brand Bollywood? Just see my contributions through the year. Kashmir Files. Ram Setu. More such are planned. We have even dubbed films from the South so that the world can watch them in Bolly-tongue. Have you ever had such support from a dear friend like Israel on any issue before? Never. And we were part of the FIFA World Cup Finals too. Beat that!

 

Football… talking of football… you guys all go gaga over Messi and Ronaldo. Have they ever scored against India? No! That is the power of Brand Indian Football. Messi was even compelled to sign T-shirts and send them to people in India just to ensure our support for him over Ronaldo and Mbappe. We might be down but not out…there are close to 100 countries below us right now in the order…

 

Hey, talking of order, hope the nation is aware of the latest order to frisk yet another mosque and see if there are any tell-tale signs of medieval religious coercion.

 

Who are you?

 

I am Brand Shivling.

 

What are such brands doing here? Who lets them in? They need to be covered up, or else…

 

Cover up, did you say? That is exactly what I have been trying to make all you guys understand. We need to cover up, right from kindergarten…

 

And who is this now?

 

I am Brand Hijab, you self-serving cocoon!

 

Gentlemen and ladies, please… let this not become a fish market. Please. Anyway we are all for vegetarianism and showing compassion to all our fellow beings, on land, in the air and in water…  No religion or connected issues as we close the year. We are all about ‘Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam’, remember? How else can we become the Vishwaguru?

 

There we go again!

 

Brand NDTV, you still here?!

 

Send them to Ukraine please, will serve them right. By the way, are you guys are so insular that global events don’t ever bother you? Look at what is happening in Ukraine. China needs vaccines. Palestinian children get killed every day. Wars have broken out again in various parts of Africa. If you really want to be a world leader, time you guys looked out…

 

This sound like my moral science teacher! What brand are you?

 

Moral science, is it?! There go your free trips to NewYork.

 

Ssshh, that’s Brand UN…

 

Brand UN still exists?

 

Quiet please! Quiet! No side talks. This conclave needs everyone’s buy-in…

 

You mean buy-out, don’t you! Everything has been bought out. The press. The industry. The government institutions. The enforcement agencies. The social media. The…

 

Mufflerman?

 

No, take another guess…

 

Hmmmmmm…

 

This is the wiser…I mean, the beardo! Heh heh!!

 

Dekho bhaiyya, you can say whatever you want about me, but I am getting the country together behind me.

 

You mean, after you, don’t you! Heh heh!!

 

Behind me, dogs, cats and all. Brand Congress is being revived. The entire nation is rallying around on the cause of Bharat Jodo. We are talking about unemployment, crony-capitalism, nepotism, inflation, corruption…

 

These are their causes?! Weren’t they chucked out for these very reasons?

 

Ssshhhh… they and the UN are alike. Alive but pretty much…

 

Why is this entire conclave happening in English? Why do we have to pay obeisance to a foreign language even now? Why can we not take inspiration from our 10,000-year-old civilisation and revive our lost language and converse in that? The least we can do is converse in Hindi, is it not?

 

Brand BJP has a point. The rest of this conclave should be in Hindi. This is good for Brand India as we embark upon our journey to be the Vishwa…

 

But then Hindi is a mix of Sanskrit, Prakrit and Persian. Do we leave out the Persian words? And then, you should call yourself as Brand Bharat and not Brand India…

 

Can someone please remove Brand Busters from here? Just random everyday people walking into such conclaves and messing things up cannot work. We need to pass a resolution on removing all symbols of foreign subjugation and citizen activism. We have had enough of the farmers and aspiring soldiers creating law and order situations that throw bad light on the country’s image.

 

Totally agree! No agitations. No protests. No rebellion. No questioning megalomania!!

 

I could hear multiple voices saying the same thing. Could you raise your hands so that I can make a note of the same when passing the resolution? We are Brands, not Brigands!!

 

Hear, hear!

 

Listen guys, I am Brand December. Every year you make resolutions in my timespace and then do nothing about them. Year after year it is the same story. Brands making resolutions to revise, revive, rejig, reorient, retrospect and what not. The only thing that happens every December is repeat. I am truly fed up. I shall call it a day in two days’ time. And you guys can do whatever you want!

 

Amen!

Ameen!

Tathastu!

 

Avik Chattopadhyay is a Gurugram-based business strategy and brand consultant. He writes on MxMIndia on alternate Thursdays. The views here are his own.