Ranjona Banerji: It’s the Emperor’s birthday…

16 Sep,2022

By Ranjona Banerji


Ranjona BanerjiIt’s the Emperor’s birthday tomorrow and the nation has such an exciting gift for him!

We’re so excited!!

We’re going to give him seven cheetahs for his birthday!!!

He’s going to welcome the cheetahs!

How lucky those cheetahs are!!!

Imagine being welcomed by the King Emperor!

We wonder what those cheetahs are thinking right now!

To land in India. To walk on Indian soil. And then! Ta-daa! They see him! The man they’ve come all the way from Namibia to meet! The King Emperor! Yaaay!!! So fortunate!

We are not so fortunate! Long years ago, we got a selfie with the King Emperor! We still feel that moment. It resonates. The anticipation! The excitement! The wonder!!! Selfies! They are the signposts of the 21st century!

But these cheetahs! They will get so much more!

They’re coming in a special plane. The plane as a Siberian tiger painted on its nose. We’re going to pretend that it’s a Royal Bengal Tiger. Or we shall remove that Bengal name completely until the King Emperor ousts the pretend queen and gets a grand coronation in Bengal. Did you see the way the lathis were used by our people? Sorry, we mean “by the mob that belonged to no political party”.

They say the cheetahs will be a bit sleepy and hungry after their long journey.

But we’re certain that they’ll wake up to meet the King Emperor! And on his birthday that too!!!!


Do you think they will get some birthday cake? Is birthday cake part of Indian sanskaar? Okay, scratch that! If the King Emperor wants birthday cake, then birthday cake is Indian. Didn’t he once fly to Pakistan for some birthday cake?

Who said that? Who said that? Get them out of here! We are not willing to have some divisive information on our channels.

There is some additional information going around that the move to bring these African cheetahs to India was initiated by a former government which was opposed to the King Emperor. We are going to steadfastly ignore all that. We know how to deal in alternative facts. We have been well-trained since 2013. We don’t like information and facts. Have you not noticed how wonderfully we have ignored information and facts since 2013 and instead spread misinformation and lies?

We do hope the King Emperor has noticed!

Do you think he has noticed?

Will we be invited to watch him meet the cheetahs?

Or will it only be that Anibody that gets invited everywhere?

We so wish we could also get a chance. We’re trying so very hard after all!

Many people think we do what our owners tell us to do.

They are so wrong.

All we know that is that we love the King Emperor and will do anything for him!

Haven’t you cottoned on to that by now?

We’ve been so consistent!

King Emperor is Great! Everyone before him was BAD!

Look at us! Look at us! Look at us!

Look at us bow and scrape.

Look at us ignore information and concentrate on seven big cats without bothering about the cats at all.

Look at us wait with awe and love for some attention…



Little oysters said the Walrus, I deeply sympathize…


Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist and commentator. She writes on MxMIndia on Tuesdays and Fridays. Her views here are personal


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