10 Things about the IPL we never want to see (or hear) again

28 May,2013

 

By Ranjona Banerji

 

Now that the Indian Premier League is over… no, no, I’m not making a forecast to make N Srinivasan’s life even more miserable, I mean this edition of the IPL. Where were we? Right, now that IPL 2013 is over (and who knows what lies in the future), we at MxM and some random members of the general public – like our sons-in-law and nephews – have compiled a list of things we never want to see or hear again.

 

1 The Jumping Jhapak or Jhampang or Dhumping Dhapang song

What were the words exactly? Never understood a word but I somehow objected to Sameer Kocchar and that other man making kissie faces at us. On the other hand, during that pathetic opening ceremony in Kolkata, the Jumping song was the highlight of a lacklustre and long evening. Of course, that was only the first time we heard it. And I watched the opening ceremony on Sony Six HD. Which means there no commercial breaks. Which means that every time SET Max went to an ad break, we had to hear the Jumping song. Which means that by the end of the evening, we were sick of Jumping, Shah Rukh Khan, Pitbull, Deepika Padukone and Katrina Kaif.

 

2 Bad Cheerleader Outfits:

Why do they have to look like they’ve been outfitted by Maganlal Dresswalla of the 1970s? Nothing seems to fit, the lycra or spandex looks cheap and the bizarre attempts to protect “modesty” backfire. Anyway, if Padukone and Kaif could prance around in the costumes they wore for the opening ceremony, why should these cheerleaders be dressed so badly?

 

3 A Studio full of Clueless Girls:

We’re all for gender equality. But what is the point of these women who know nothing about cricket and are more concerned with speaking in incomprehensible accents than saying anything substantial. Every year, this attempt by Sony to glamorise the Extraaa Innings studio gets worse and worse. It’s reached a stage where you almost start missing Mandira Bedi and that’s saying something. I have nothing against these ladies in this edition, but one dressed like she had used upholstery fabric and baroque household artefacts to ornament herself and the other looked like her dress was so tight that she could hardly breathe.

 

4 Media Hypocrisy:

Yes, yes, I know this is wishful thinking. But first the media goes gaga over everything IPL and how wonderful it is. And then when something goes wrong, all the journalists say they always knew it. Bull. If you “always” knew, why didn’t you say something before?

 

5 Uncomfortable Looking Board Members and Sponsors at Post-Match Presentation Ceremonies:

They look like they don’t want to be there and we don’t want them to be there so why are they there?

 

6 Owner People Who Have Not Paid Their Staff Salaries and Are in Other Financial Imbroglios:

 Yes, it is disturbing to watch Vijay Mallya and the Roys of Sahara prancing around in this giant extravaganza. Yes, Sahara may or may not be there any more, but still.

 

7 Owner People in General:

We’re just bored of them, no? They look less glamorous than they did before and this dugout business has lost its novelty.

 

8 Spot-fixing:

Why can’t we get self-righteous, eh? It’s not just bringing disrepute to cricket; it’s cheating us, the viewing public and you, the cricket fan.

 

9 No More Hysterical Confusion:

Someone to understand the differences between spot-fixing, betting and living a lavish lifestyle. The three may be connected and they just as easily may not.

 

10. No More Rahul Mehra, Sanjay Jha and Boria Majumdar in News Channel Discussions:

… for a while at least. Please.

 

Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist and commentator based in Mumbai. She is also Contributing Editor, MxMIndia. She can be reached via Twitter at @ranjona. The views here are her own

 

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